This Comic Perfectly Explains Why Anxiety & Depression Are So Difficult To Fight | Bored Panda

~Trying to stay sane~


Missing the “old” normal.

Very hard to grasp what I’m feeling today.

I feel almost as if I’m floating around watching my life happen.
I can hear people talk to me. And I can still do things. Its just all in a slow motion kind of way. I am just reacting to what’s happening around me. I feel so disconnected though. I feel so shut down. Like I’ve got nothing left.

My daughter is coming back home today. I’m looking forward to seeing her and knowing that she’s alright. At the same time I feel so much anxiety that they will be under the same roof again.

I think I basically quit my job yesterday.
Not really but we have an understanding that I’m just not able to leave my house yet and he’s gotta cover his business.

I don’t even care.
I’ll get something else when I can handle the situation at home. I have to be here. I have to protect my kids. All of them.

Therapist said its ok for me to “hate what my kid did.” I don’t hate the kid but I hate what the kid did. And it really is true. I feel actual hate for what happened.

I hate what you did.
I hate what you did.
I hate what you did.

I wish that was all it took to feel better. To make it go away.
But it will never go away.

Kind of makes what used to be “crazy normal” look like a vacation.
I kinda just want that back.

~Trying to stay sane~

This place I’m in

This place I’m in.
Its dark.
So very dark.
The thoughts are loud.
So very loud.
These thoughts of hurt.
Of sadness.
Of disappointment.
These thoughts of anger.
Of resentment.
Of fear.
These thoughts of defeat.
Of failure.
Of giving up.
This place I’m in.
Its loud.
Its dark.

~Trying to stay sane~

Confused and alone

So this incident I mentioned in the last post has my anxiety through the roof. I’m still not ready to discuss the event but it’s shaken me to my core. My therapist says I need to give myself time.

I don’t feel like I have any time.
I feel completely lost.
I feel so..

My anxiety consumes me.
I can’t let the kids out of my sight.
I tried.
I couldn’t even go pee.

Therapist said that the kids involved weren’t affected the same as me. Which is good news. Great news. Right?

It felt better for a minute to hear that.
I still can’t let them out of my sight.

I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
I didn’t work all week. And now I have to call my boss and tell him I might not be able to come back for awhile. Therapist said that it was ok. It was ok to take the time I need to fix my family.

How much time will that be?
Why can’t it happen quickly?
Why can’t it happen now?

I’m so lost.
I felt a tear in the universe.
And it opened up and swallowed me whole.
I’m so lost floating around out there. So lost and broken and alone.

~Trying to stay sane~

I Call Dibs! Time To Get Into Game Shape!

My Least Favorite Child Today

September 4, 2015

Yesterday as I was leaving the grocery store I saw two boys run ahead of their father toward their car.  They were about eight and six years old.  The eight year old ran to the front passenger side door and screamed “dibs!”  A women walking next to me smiled and said, “Isn’t that cute”?  I gave her a forced smile but what I wanted to say was, “No, lady, that’s not cute.  That’s utterly terrifying.”

Later that night I looked at my sweet little boring bundles of joy as they slept, but all that entered my mind was the swift and cruel justice of “dibs.”  Growing up as the youngest of four children, “dibs” was an honor I rarely if ever achieved.

7819-4 copy

(See this photo as you wish.  Two happy frolicking boys or a race to something that leaves one the victor and the other empty handed…

View original post 713 more words

Why must I go batshit…..

…….before these friggin kids listen?

I mean I know we didn’t have the normal beginning that most people had. Most kids were being instructed right from the gate and these kids had Loser #2 instead. Not a good beginning at all.

For four years we’ve been living with Mr and we laid down some general house rules from the beginning. Like most families:
No running.
No food in the bedrooms.
No hitting.
You get the picture.
These kids, neigh these monsters, have completely gone off the grid. No matter the fighting I’ve done. No matter the punishment given (see Why do I argue with these humans, which is still ongoing, mind you).

So why when I hand a child some of its own personal belongings and say “put these away” does that child turn a corner in the adjacent room and plop them on a random table? Is that away?? Have you not been asked, begged, or yelled at for that very action a million times? Have you never heard my explanation of what ‘away’ means?

And that’s just one child. Within 30 minutes I will say that to all 5 children. And repeat it a hundred more times just today.

And its not until mom literally goes batshit crazy that it’ll get done.

I need to know why.
And I need to know what the fuck to do to make it stop.
I hate the sound of my own voice. Why don’t they? Why won’t they listen? Why don’t they want the madness to end as badly as I do?

I am beyond exhausted and fed up at this point. I’m desperately trying to fix me so I can effectively correct them before its too late.

Is it too late? With this latest incidence I wonder if it is. 😦

I feel so….broken.
I feel so….confused.
I feel utterly lost.

Stay Sane 😛

Only wanted when I’m useful

So my therapist proposed that maybe the Mr keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself because he doesn’t want to add stress to me.


Yea I don’t think that theory is gonna fly.
His truck blew up he said. Crack in the engine or something. Same night his boss calls and says he’s got work for him again. Well he can’t work without a truck or he’s going to end up taking my car from me again and that’s a short term fix cause he can’t fit all his tools anyway. So now who has to be the one to come up with the money for a new truck. That’s right me. Cause ya know I’m not in the middle of a situation with my kids (not ready to write about that yet). Nor am I having a nervous breakdown. Nor am I trying to secure permanent housing for the family. Since I’m sitting around doing nothing all the time why can’t I figure out (meaning beg and borrow money from someone AGAIN) how to come up with $2000 while I’m at it?

Naw you just sit there and look up more expensive trucks on craigslist and email them to me over and over. Silly me for thinking I was only one person.

Stay Sane 😛

My brain may just explode yet

I’m so stressed.
About everything.
About the house situation.
About my relationship.
About school starting next week.
About my kids, my mom, my sister et all.
About the job.

Everything feels so out of control.

This house. What the fuck are we gonna do? I pray to the universe we are able to purchase it and not get totally raped in the process.

My relationship. I just want him to acknowledge my existence in more than a few uttered syllables a day. My therapist says I should write to him. Basically small notes explaining one thing at a time that I want him to understand/know about me. It makes sense.

The kids. Everywhere on this one. Their behavior. Their attitudes. Everything.

School. I haven’t done a damn bit of planning so far. And I haven’t gotten Abby prepared in anyway. She’s gotten new sneakers that’s it. 😦 Finally starting to get the fucking lice under control.

My mom. Ugh 😥 I just can’t deal with it right now. I’m so ashamed and disgusted with myself but I just can’t visit her right now. I again pray to the universe to let me get through this and right my wrong before its too late.

My sister. Lost her husband almost a year ago. Very bad. Her grandson (4 yrs old) was moved across the country by his mother in March and is currently here for his two week visit. He leaves Sunday. 😦 its just so much sadness. 😥

The job. I actually do love it mostly. But in reality it is just another stressor. I think the pros are defiantly outweighing the cons overall but its still a stressor.

I feel so damned hopeless.
So ….. Broken.

Something I’ve learned today ‘having to ask for what you need doesn’t make it any less gratifying’.
I’ll try and keep that in mind. :/

Stay Sane 😛

Why do I argue with these small humans

Day 5 of electronic restriction for the littles. For all the whining and complaining and asking for kindles you’d think they actually have a leg to stand on. Which they don’t. Clean your rooms or get no kindles. Pretty easy and straight forward right? Naw! To them it means ‘sit around on our asses and whine and cry and complain.’

I’m not even exaggerating when I say that the female versions of my littles went up to “clean” their room today and spent exactly 3/4 of that time changing their outfits and doing hair and make up.

Meanwhile the male version actually cleaned his closet and some of his floor. Still has quite a bit to do but he made some progress.

Stay Sane 😛