…oh wait that would be me.
so yea its been awhile. Like a whole year. I kinda fell off my rocker since then. Came to a very crucial point where suicide became very real and I was nearly convinced it was the only way to end all the suffering.
But because I’m so very incredibly fucking fortunate to have the worlds greatest therapist I made it out of the darkest places of my mind and began digging my way back to the surface.
Dont get me wrong, life is seriously far from perfect. We’re still broke as shit, I’m still in excruciating pain all the fucking time, migraines have been incredibly ridiculous, I’ve now gotten vertigo to add to the long list of what the fuck ails me, I’m on 5 damn medications that only seem to actually do a damn thing 95% of the time.
My husbands truck, which is a certain necessity to his profession, has been a pain in the balls since the day we bought it. Constantly breaking down, constantly an expense, and constantly a fucking headache. My POS vehicle is causing me some serious anxiety because I literally just began driving for Uber and actually making a little bit of money. I should’ve known better than to think that would actually work out for me long term. I’m so upset about the whole thing.
Stress and depression continue to control my life for the most part. I am learning to see a doctor for my medical issues. Long story short, taking care of and watching my mom deteriorate after 60 years of near perfect health within 4 years into a still living breathing tortured soul, I became so stressed and that along with a year of being poked, prodded, and tortured myself only to get zero answers, I developed a real and true anxiety of doctors and all that they entail. So I’ve avoided them like the plague.
We moved into the best, biggest, and most gorgeous home at the end of Spring. And when I say this house if awesome I mean it. Its an old colonial home and its fucking ENORMOUS! I am so in love with this house. Naturally because I spent the beginning of my adult life with a POS person who stole any money I made as well as spent every single dime he made himself to buy crack cocaine, my credit rating plummeted. Every vehicle we ever owned was either repossessed or he ended up trading for crack, he was self employed and never paid a damn dime toward taxes so I was held accountable as his spouse and lost my entire tax return every year for 5 years ($8,000 a year), every credit card we had was maxed for groceries and electric bills and then never/rarely paid. I digress, easy to do when I get started on the ex. UGH! Anyway, since my credit is such garbage I cannot get approved for a mortgage so this home does not belong to us. We get to rent it from some jack ass slum lord who knew this house needed a lot of work and hasnt done a fucking thing. Like literally we are smack dab in the middle of fucking December in the middle of fucking New England and we have no properly working heating system. This house has sat empty for 20 god damn years. It was basically used as storage for all old ass paperwork for the Mill next door. I had to retain a lawyer to go after him. More fucking money we cant afford to pay. We are currently running 5 electric heaters to keep some kind of heat in the main living areas. But its getting damned cold and those wont raise the temp in a house this size any higher than 58 degrees on a 32 degree day. ITS FUCKING COLD!!
Wow this has really turned into quite the post. I apologize for just vomiting words all over the place but to be totally honest it feels pretty damn awesome. I’m pretty sure my therapist would be proud.
As I said, stress and depression continue to consume my life, but I am learning and trying to embrace the tools my therapist gives me in order to keep my shit somewhat together.
We’ll see how tomorrow goes.
So its Christmastime and I got into the spirit and we got our tree the weekend after Thanksgiving and decorated the house bigger than we’ve ever been able to. I’ve been trying to keep the spirit going but when I was hit with vertigo last week and lost 6 days to it which caused me to lose 6 fucking days of work, only to feel better and have my fucking car not work properly so I was still unable to work, I got seriously discouraged about Christmas. Then the ex said he was going to catch up with child support, currently 3 months behind, and I thought well maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yea stupid me. Of course I keep getting excuses from him which all boil down to the same thing. I wont see that money ever. 😦 When I thought it was over my favorite blogger and one of my favorite tools to cope, The Bloggess, announced she was going to host the Annual James Garfield Miracle again this year. Please go check this out. Its a wonderful place where people can ask for help with Christmas presents. A place without judgment, cause everyone understands that we’re all just fucking bat-shit crazy anyway. A place where people who are able to help do so just because they can and it makes them feel awesome. So if you are reading this and you are a person who has the means to help a family, in any way (its all done through amazon wishlists), please please please take a look. We could all use more angels. On the other hand if you are reading this and you find yourself in a tight spot this year take a gander at the post and you never know there just might be an angel looking to help you. The love and caring that are created because of James Garfield, it really is a very funny story how it got its name so go read the post at least, are so heartwarming. It really makes my soul happy. Btw when you go please take a peak at my own post #236. I am bound and determined to become an angel in future years. For now I am super super thankful to the Bloggess, aka Jenny, and all the amazing wonderful people who continue to pull together to help each other out for the sake of Christmas and kids everywhere.
So my word count is well over 1000 at this point as word press continues to inform me so I guess that’s it for now.