Waiting, waiting, waiting ..

So the slumlord messaged yesterday saying the boiler was being delivered today.

Here I sit waiting waiting waiting while the temp continues to drop in my house. Its currently 50 degrees. Yes thats warmer than being outside but it is completely unacceptable to be 50 degrees inside of a persons home in the middle of December. Its too damn cold. I worked my ass off yesterday caulking gaps and holes around windows, doors and floors. My hubs came home and stuffed insulation into the unfinished window casings and stapled plastic to the them. It helped. I know it did. I’m sure it would actually be a helluva lot colder in here this morning if we hadn’t done that.

Bottom line is its still too damn cold to live like this. And its still completely unacceptable, not to mention illegal, for a land lord to rent a home without a proper working heating system.

I cannot even begin to express how fucking pissed off I am.

When does it end? I just want to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. This has been a long exhausting tunnel and I’m tired of traveling it.

The Saga Continues…

so..we moved into this wonderful awesome old colonial home in the Spring. It sat empty for 20 years prior and so has many quirky things that need fixing. One of those things is the boiler. A pretty important piece of the house wouldn’t you say? Especially when you live in New England and it gets damn cold in the Winter.

This is how you learn you have a complete slum lord on your hands.

December 15th still no boiler.

High temp for tomorrow is forecast at 9 degrees.

9 degrees is too fucking cold.

We currently have 5 electric heaters running. My electric bill has increased by $200/month to run them.

Today it is 26 degrees outside with high winds to cause it to feel like 8 degrees. In the rooms where the heaters are its no warmer than 59 degrees. INSIDE!!!

So long story short we are very likely going to have to invoke our tenant right of reasonable accommodations and move to a hotel until a new boiler is installed and the system is running. The only good news there is it will be on the landlords dime but its not so easy to live temporarily with a family of 7, two large dogs, and a cat. 😦

I have no idea how the hell we’ll even pull this off.

Oh I forgot to mention this would all happen with only my husbands pick up truck cause my suv is dead. 😦

AND…its Christmas in 10 days. I don’t want to spend our Christmas in a hotel.

I’m so overwhelmed.

 

Who is the crazy chick….

…oh wait that would be me.

so yea its been awhile. Like a whole year. I kinda fell off my rocker since then. Came to a very crucial point where suicide became very real and I was nearly convinced it was the only way to end all the suffering.

But because I’m so very incredibly fucking fortunate to have the worlds greatest therapist I made it out of the darkest places of my mind and began digging my way back to the surface.

Dont get me wrong, life is seriously far from perfect. We’re still broke as shit, I’m still in excruciating pain all the fucking time, migraines have been incredibly ridiculous, I’ve now gotten vertigo to add to the long list of what the fuck ails me, I’m on 5 damn medications that only seem to actually do a damn thing 95% of the time.

My husbands truck, which is a certain necessity to his profession, has been a pain in the balls since the day we bought it. Constantly breaking down, constantly an expense, and constantly a fucking headache. My POS vehicle is causing me some serious anxiety because I literally just began driving for Uber and actually making a little bit of money. I should’ve known better than to think that would actually work out for me long term. I’m so upset about the whole thing.

Stress and depression continue to control my life for the most part. I am learning to see a doctor for my medical issues. Long story short, taking care of and watching my mom deteriorate after 60 years of near perfect health within 4 years into a still living breathing tortured soul,  I became so stressed and that along with a year of being poked, prodded, and tortured myself only to get zero answers, I developed a real and true anxiety of doctors and all that they entail. So I’ve avoided them like the plague.

We moved into the best, biggest, and most gorgeous home at the end of Spring. And when I say this house if awesome I mean it. Its an old colonial home and its fucking ENORMOUS! I am so in love with this house. Naturally because I spent the beginning of my adult life with a POS person who stole any money I made as well as spent every single dime he made himself to buy crack cocaine, my credit rating plummeted. Every vehicle we ever owned was either repossessed or he ended up trading for crack, he was self employed and never paid a damn dime toward taxes so I was held accountable as his spouse and lost my entire tax return every year for 5 years ($8,000 a year), every credit card we had was maxed for groceries and electric bills and then never/rarely paid. I digress, easy to do when I get started on the ex. UGH! Anyway, since my credit is such garbage I cannot get approved for a mortgage so this home does not belong to us. We get to rent it from some jack ass slum lord who knew this house needed a lot of work and hasnt done a fucking thing. Like literally we are smack dab in the middle of fucking December in the middle of fucking New England and we have no properly working heating system. This house has sat empty for 20 god damn years. It was basically used as storage for all old ass paperwork for the Mill next door. I had to retain a lawyer to go after him. More fucking money we cant afford to pay. We are currently running 5 electric heaters to keep some kind of heat in the main living areas. But its getting damned cold and those wont raise the temp in a house this size any higher than 58 degrees on a 32 degree day. ITS FUCKING COLD!!

Wow this has really turned into quite the post. I apologize for just vomiting words all over the place but to be totally honest it feels pretty damn awesome. I’m pretty sure my therapist would be proud.

As I said, stress and depression continue to consume my life, but I am learning and trying to embrace the tools my therapist gives me in order to keep my shit somewhat together.

We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

So its Christmastime and I got into the spirit and we got our tree the weekend after Thanksgiving and decorated the house bigger than we’ve ever been able to. I’ve been trying to keep the spirit going but when I was hit with vertigo last week and lost 6 days to it which caused me to lose 6 fucking days of work, only to feel better and have my fucking car not work properly so I was still unable to work, I got seriously discouraged about Christmas. Then the ex said he was going to catch up with child support, currently 3 months behind, and I thought well maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yea stupid me. Of course I keep getting excuses from him which all boil down to the same thing. I wont see that money ever. 😦 When I thought it was over my favorite blogger and one of my favorite tools to cope, The Bloggess, announced she was going to host the Annual James Garfield Miracle again this year. Please go check this out. Its a wonderful place where people can ask for help with Christmas presents. A place without judgment, cause everyone understands that we’re all just fucking bat-shit crazy anyway. A place where people who are able to help do so just because they can and it makes them feel awesome. So if you are reading this and you are a person who has the means to help a family, in any way (its all done through amazon wishlists), please please please take a look. We could all use more angels. On the other hand if you are reading this and you find yourself in a tight spot this year take a gander at the post and you never know there just might be an angel looking to help you. The love and caring that are created because of James Garfield, it really is a very funny story how it got its name so go read the post at least, are so heartwarming. It really makes my soul happy. Btw when you go please take a peak at my own post #236. I am bound and determined to become an angel in future years. For now I am super super thankful to the Bloggess, aka Jenny, and all the amazing wonderful people who continue to pull together to help each other out for the sake of Christmas and kids everywhere.

So my word count is well over 1000 at this point as word press continues to inform me so I guess that’s it for now.

Later Tater

my life is falling apart

Thats how it feels.

everything is out of control. My relationship is falling apart.

All my time and energy are on this fucking incident with the kids. He doesnt understand what it did to me. I dont even really understand.

And now I’m right back to being a loser with no job. No matter what I do. He doesnt want me anymore. 😦

I dont want me anymore. :/ I dont like me. Not that I ever really did but now….

Now..I hate me.

I hate this person I have become.

How did we get here? How did it all go to shit?

How did I fuck up again so much?

I know I’m the common denominator. I’ve always been to blame for it all. Nothings changed. I always will be i suspect.

I guess i’ve just always had this vision of, well, not perfect bu perfect for me, for us. But if this is as good as it gets then I dont think Ill survive it.

Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?

I love my therapist and I love that she’s given me lots of tools to use with the kids but I feel like I’m not really getting to the root of the problem. ME!! I guess I’m just now realizing that I’m the problem not the solution. Even though I know that the exes had tons of problems and I’ve always blamed them, I now know I was just as much, if not more, to blame. But why?

What choice led me in that direction all those years ago. And when exactly did my entire life turn to shit?

Even through an awful 1st marriage, I had my oldest son and all was ok with my world. Then my husband turned out to be a crack-cocaine addict and destroyed our marriage and our family.

everything got worse from there. I’m not at all proud of a lot of the choices I made. I just wish I could do over.

depressed

Havent written in a few days.

its been a dark lonely few days.

I’m pretty sure the guy has completely given up on me. and it feels as if hes just using me to get through this truck situation. my heart hurts.

the situation with the kids has gotten no better. therapy session tonight with those involved. i’m not ready for that.

Why cant we just erase the memory of bad things?

why cant i just forget what happened and move on?

clearly i’m an asshole now cause I have so much more anxiety because of it.

The One Phrase I Wish We Could Ban From Mom Conversations Scary Mommy

I absolutely love this.
As much as I love hacks as well it doesn’t change the fact that some days I can’t ‘just’ change or do something else.
Just thought I’d share with all you other frazzled moms and dads, single or not.

Good luck to us all. 😉

https://www.scarymommy.com/the-one-phrase-i-wish-we-could-ban-from-mom-conversations/

~Trying to stay sane~

Sleepless in the universe

I cant sleep.
I try and I try but the most I get is an hour or two.
Last night my DD came into the living room, where I sit all night with mindless television on wishing my anxiety would let me sleep, and she curled up on the floor to sleep. She wasn’t even awake. I cant tell if she is afraid and worried or if she is just adding this to her list of attention seeking.
I don’t want her to get the wrong idea and think that trying to recreate this horrible intrusion on our life will be a long term way for her to get attention.
I know that because my anxiety is riding me to not let them out of my sight she is getting more attention. I’m desperately trying to give her good attention unrelated to the incident.

Therapist says I have to come to terms with the whole thing in my own time. Which I understand obviously, I mean duh mental health, its not my first attempt to fix myself.
But I feel like I may do more damage than good. I’ve never been successful in treatment before. Not all of that is entirely my fault, nevertheless, I don’t feel confident that I can get my kids through this. Its like being broken 5 more times. 😦 its awful.

My body is a wreck, my stomach is in constant turmoil, my head is ready to just explode and I wish it would.
Its like I feel all the emotions and heartbreak all over my body not just in my head.

Its painful.
And it sucks.
It sucks awful.

my brain hates me

So i quit my job.
and of course now i feel like a loser piece of shit. well more of a loser piece of shit than before. its possible, believe it or not. I didn’t believe it was. hmpfh

I dont feel like the Man is being completely honest with me. Ever!!
He is always so shady about stuff and hes a terrible communicator.

my anxiety is in high gear and nothing, i mean nothing, has helped keep my mind off of anything.

I’ve tried crocheting, my love, and nope nothing. I cant concentrate long enough to get started and even the one time i was able to begin a piece, i quickly realized that I had no desire at all to keep it up. 😦

I’ve tried coloring. I bought some adult coloring books a few months ago and i love to color. But nope, cant do it.

I have  no desire to cook or bake. 😦

I just dont want to exist.
at all. I just wish I could disappear. not that anyone would notice anyway. at least thats how it feels. I know for sure that the Man wouldnt notice. nor would he care.

I find it funny, in an ironic way not in a LOL way, that as bad as things were before I actually find myself wishing they were that way again. that was way better than whats happening now.

I didnt know it was possible to feel even more hopeless and lost.

I cant possibly go on like this. everything hurts. my head, my heart, my body, my soul. its all just one big pile of hurt. everlasting hurt. i just want to curl up in a hole and forget everything. the world, and all the people in it. just forgotten.

I dont understand all this. i’ve been to the dark place plenty. but its never looked like this. its never felt like this.

even the years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship i never felt as low and crushed as i do now. why?
why is that?

i wish.
i wish i wish i wish that i could get my shit together and get out of this fucking endless dark place. theres no rope, theres no foot or hand holds. theres just empty darkness. its cold and unforgiving. every step seems to be in the wrong direction.
everyone else seems so happy and content.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
why?
why cant i be happy and content?
dont i work hard enough to ensure everyone elses happiness? why then cant i find a little of my own?
why then doesnt anyone ever want to help me or work at my happiness?

why doesnt my family, the man and the kids, want me to be happy? or if they do want it why dont they do anything to help make it happen?

365 Sunrises

As I sit here and watch the sun rise higher
I’m reminded of all the times you said “with the sun shining on my face”.

When the angels gather in the morning to face the sunrise
I wonder if that’s your favorite thing about heaven.

When I replay those words in my head I can see an image of you as the Captain you were.
Watching the sun rise.
Steaming through the open water.
Happy crew with a full catch below decks.
Homeward bound.

Now
Its been a year.
365 sunrises
Since you’ve left.
I sat and watched through the hospital window as the sun rose up on the morning you passed.
It was an honor and blessing to share that sunrise with you.

As it has been over the years, there’s been many family and friend gatherings this year.
As it has been over the years, there was music and singing and laughing.

Now its been a year.
365 sunrises.
There’s an empty place.
You’re not there.
Making music with your guitar.
Singing. Always singing and humming.
You loved to laugh. You loved to make people laugh.

I feel your absence. We all do.
I wish to hear you sing and laugh and play your guitar just one more time.
I wish.
I wish.

365 sunrises.
Its hard to imagine its been that long.
It feels as if it were today.

Love and miss you Doug. ❤

This song says it perfectly.
What Does It Look Like In Heaven

~Trying to stay sane~