Glitter glitter everywhere

So …..I’m working like a dog on some homemade ornaments for close family and friends.  

I’m getting all crafty and shit with some mod podge and glitter.

GLITTER! EVERYWHERE!! 

But I have to say, after spending $13 very precious dollars on having pictures printed only to have to resort to printing black and white copies on my crappy printer because the actual picture paper won’t adhere with the mod podge,  I’m pretty happy with the results so far.  

Seriously though you should see the actual glitter mess.  The floor is covered in it.  I’m covered in it.  The dogs are covered in it.  It’s kinda fucking ridiculous.  But I’m being all festive and shit and watching Christmas movies.  

Thankfully the vertigo flare didn’t last past this morning.  I got my prednisone script and took one as directed.  Oops…speaking of which I was supposed to take dose two a half hour ago.  

Any who,  my back,  hips,  and legs are killing me now.  I’ve basically been sitting on the edge of the couch hunched over the coffee table for the past 9 or so hours.  I’ve taken breaks but they were short and few between.  I’ve gotten a lot done though and will now have plenty of time to finish and package them all.  

First day of Holiday break for us tomorrow.  I think sugar cookie making will have to happen at some point.  Maybe if I stay on track I can finish everything tomorrow and we can spend all day Christmas Eve baking.  We’ll see how the day goes.  

Well folks it’s about that time.  My doggies are all snuggled in with me and happily snoring away so I guess I’ve gotta give sleep a shot.  *fingers crossed* At least we don’t have to get up at the ass crack of the sun tomorrow.  Oh wait my kids are completely fucked up and like to sleep late on school days and rise early on weekends.  So yea we’ll still be up involuntarily.  

In other news 2 more days til Christmas folks.  Are you all ready?  

Yea me neither.  :/ Maybe next year hahahaha 

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New Year, New Me?

I truly hope so.

Have you made any resolutions for 2017?

Maybe you are going to join a gym, eat healthy, quit smoking, drink less, drink more who knows. Me? I’m going to try harder than ever to get well. Both mentally and physically.

So far this year, all two days of it, I’ve been couch bound with vertigo and a migraine. 😥 Of course you all know what that means, right? The power couple, Mr. Anxiety and Ms. Depression, have taken this opportunity to send my mind to the darkest depths of hell. 

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR!! 

My therapist is the only one who truly knows what this resolution actually means. It means learning to be my own advocate. YIKES! It means undergoing whatever medical tests the doctor orders. GASP!! It means being poked, prodded, and stuck with needles. FAINT!!! And all with the very real possibility of getting zero answers again. CRY. 

AGONY. 

It also means delving into this black hole of my mind and trying to figure out who I am. I’m not the same person I was several years ago and I have to stop comparing myself to her. But I dont much know or like this person I am now. I need to figure out who I am again and try to put the dark demons of the past to rest. 


PURE AGONY!! 

Will I succeed? Who knows. 

I will work my ass off though. I want to be well. I want to be a better mother, partner, friend, person. I want to be healthy and happy. 

I will try!

Stay Sane(ish), my friends. 

So Yea, Cucumber Water? Is The Shit!

Who knew? 

Confession: I’m a Diet Coke junkie. *GASP*  I have been since I was a kid. Now dont go getting judgy on me. My kids are only allowed soda (in moderation) on special occasions or once or twice a month at most. The mom in me appears to be smarter than the addict in me. Plus, trust me they do not need one ounce of sugar or caffiene.  

I ran out of soda a few days ago and have just been too sick with this damn sinus infection to care. We have exactly two other things in this house to drink; water and milk. I hate water and I’m lactose intolerant. So in an effort to quench my thirst I decided to cut up the lone cucumber and throw it in a pitcher of water and ice. 

BAM!!! THIS IS THE SHIT!!

Not lying I love it. Really, like you couldnt tell. 🙂 Well I figured I’d look it up and see just what I’m drinking and it turns out that it does a butt load (um..how is that even an acceptable term) of really great stuff for you. I found some other things to try like pears, too. YUMMO!

So check this out. Some great benefits come from cucumbers. And if you don’t like cucumbers well there’s just something wrong with you. Not really but there are a lot of other really great combinations to try.  Take a look here for 50+ recipes organized by benefits. 

I cant wait to try many of these combinations. Who knows maybe I’ll even start to feel a little bit better overall. 

And Lord knows I could stand to lose more weight. That would just be a bonus at this point but nonetheless important. 

I’d love to hear if you try any and how they affected you. Feel free to drop a comment if you have tips or ideas to share.

 I’ll be honest, one of my favorite things about these water detox recipes is that they are literally so easy. I’ve tried some of the smoothie types and lets be real that is just a whole lotta work. Aint nobody got time for that.  Quick and easy, thats me. Well, thats how I like it. Oh boy, ok I’m just gonna stop there, you know what I meant. 

Stay refresshed friends. 

When your ex is a piece of…. 

SHIT!! 

Which unfortunately mine is,  it just really makes you feel even worse about the damage caused to those you love.  

If not for me my live-in boyfriend, aka hubs, wouldn’t be paying the ultimate price.  He is an incredibly hard working man who literally has no spare time for any of life’s enjoyments and no means to even enjoy them any way.  

His truck is falling apart one stupid bolt at a time and he has to fix/jerry-rig some damn thing at least once a week.  That truck is the most important tool in his arsenal.  As a contractor being without a truck pretty much makes work impossible.  

He’s had so many tools stolen from job sites and has had to replace them with cheaper,  more damaged tools bought from Craigslist or Facebook pages, just to save a few dollars and be able to finish a job.  

He literally has nothing to show for all his hard work and long hours. 

He provides for  five children and my mentally deranged disabled ass and rarely,  and I mean RARELY, complains.  He gets up super early and goes to work,  to return most nights,  MOST,  after 8pm to a house in turmoil and ruin with no dinner to be had, and goes to bed by 9pm only to do is all again tomorrow.  7 days a week.  

We just learned that he won’t even be receiving a Christmas bonus.  Which is just a serious slap in the face.  Most of the jobs he works on for this person are ill supplied with materials and extremely behind schedule and hubs pulls it all off seamlessly.  You’d think an iota of appreciate,  especially at Christmas,  would be given.  I know he’s hurt by it.  I’m hurt for him.  

Meanwhile my ex husband, aka POS, skates by in life unharmed by his failings.  He hasn’t paid child support in months.  And we all know he’s just going to win Christmas hero award as usual when we’ve struggled to get even a few measely gifts while still supplying electricity,  housing,  heat, and food.  

We don’t even want to be recognised so much as he just doesn’t deserve to be for doing absolutely zero.  I’ve never actually hated an actual person until these past 20 years or so and the literal hate is eating me up.  I’ve always hated many of his actions but lately it feels like I just have nothing but black hate in my heart and head for him.  

If it weren’t for my mistakes and failings in the past I doubt we’d be in the current situation we find ourselves.  If it weren’t for those mistakes and failings Hubs would be much more content and less depressed.  

If it weren’t for those mistakes and failings we never would’ve met.  

Which may or may not be a good thing depending on which one of us you ask.  

Sincerly

Trying to keep my Christmas spirit 

Fuck this shit..

Seriously I’m all set with this vertigo shit. 

ALL. FUCKING. SET. 

It’s bullshit. 

So basically I’m just stuck on the couch cause it’s too damn difficult to function and not throw up.  


That’s what they say anyway.  Add another fucking pill to take.  Prednisone,  with a referral to an ENT.  

Seriously?  I don’t need this shit in my life.  I’ve got plenty to keep me busy.  


Yep and cause typing makes me wanna barf all over the place this dizzy bitch is going to sleep.  I hope.  

Let there be heat

Well technically it won’t be for another few days but the good news is the boiler was delivered and there is a plumber currently in my basement hacking the old system out. The bad news is the doggies are freaking out.  The whole house is shaking.  

But someday in the near future we will have heat.  

Yay!!

Meanwhile….. 

Any who… CHRISTMAS is almost here folks.  

..just survive.

It really is survival of the fittest and I am not fit.

Will there ever come a time when I do more than just survive? I want to live. I seek love and affection but in the same token I push it away.

I also want to rip someones head off at any given second. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m exhausted from all the anger. I’m exhausted from the chornic pain, depression, anxiety, and migraines.

I wasn’t always this person. fb_img_1472188936915.jpg

 

I used to be nice, calm, patient, happy, healthy, loving. Then the chronic pain and demons took over. My head is so dark and chaotic that I don’t even remember most days happening at all. I just literally have no recollection of any of the events that transpired.

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Does that mean I am actually going crazy?

I’m so afraid that the rest of my life is going to continue this way. I fear that I am always going to be searching for relief from all this shit that has been consuming me.

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Christmas Spirit

So with all this negativity and stress going on in my life and my constant efforts to alleviate both. I want to share some positive happenings over at  The Bloggess.

I am totally unable to give my kiddos any presents for Christmas this year. Money is just so non existent.

Some really amazing Santas from Jennys page have gifted my kiddos some presents. I am so moved. To have complete strangers ensure that my kids will have something to open on Christmas morning is just….INCREDIBLE. Thanks to these people my kids will have warm socks, books, a game, a movie on dvd, and a couple of stocking stuffers. They even went so far as to get a toy for the dogs and one for the cat. I’m beyond touched.

It isn’t easy to ask for help. NOT.ONE.BIT. Believe me when I say I have major anxiety from the second I submit my request. I hate it. I feel so ashamed and useless for not being able to provide for my kids.  But these people are nothing but encouraging. They truly want to help.

It makes my heart swell that there are still such giving, caring people in the world. I hope those who play Santa really know how much its appreciated. You keep the true meaning of Christmas alive for so many who have given up.

I long for the time when we are in a financial place to pay it forward and pay it forward we will. I can only imagine the insane rush from clicking on wish lists and sending gifts off. I so want to do that for others. I will. Someday I will be in a better place to be able to begin that family tradition. I pray its sooner rather than later.

I began this holiday season full of gusto. We decorated, and decorated, and decorated some more. We sang Christmas songs, we watched Christmas movies and I was insanely happy for a change.

Then it all went to shit and I became incredibly depressed and lost all hope.

Hope was restored by those wonderful, amazing, awesome Santas at the Seventh Annual James Garfield Miracle.

I am eternally grateful for you all.

I wish you all, Santas, askers, and especially Jenny a very Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone out there.

I wish you all enough.

 

Well color me surprised

So at 3pm this afternoon a boiler was delivered. Yay!

At 6pm three of the landlords goons, aka maintenance guys, showed up to bring it to the basement. With them was the kid, seriously like 20-ish, who claimed to be the plumber. UGH! He then tells me it will be Monday or Tuesday when he is able to return and install said boiler.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

So we’re still looking at 3-4 more days until installation, then how long til the gas company can send a Master Plumber to inspect and connect the tanks? It wont be lickety split I can assure you that.

One of the electric heaters burnt out earlier today so Hubs had to go buy a new one. To be honest it works better than the one it replaced so that’s a bonus.

All this friggin stress caused a migraine to flare all friggin day. I was finally able to beat it into submission about an hour ago. I’m still stuck on the couch now from all the residual pain it caused in my body. Its literally exhausting. I hate it.wpid-wp-1442031335391.jpeg

 

I’m really trying to stay positive. I’m trying to keep the Christmas spirit alive. Its hard. My head is filled with so many dark thoughts. Its incredibly difficult to keep going, to keep fighting, when all I wanna do is give up. Trying to force positivity into my head is a constant battle.

Throwing in the towel is so much easier. Isnt it?

I never could. I never would. If it weren’t for my kids I would have a long time ago but they deserve so much better than that. They deserve a mom who can provide for them. A mom who doesn’t struggle just to get out of bed everyday, or one who can’t do a damn thing with them most days because of the chronic pain and migraines.

Will I ever get well? My biggest fear is that this is my life now. That this is here to stay for good. It just seems to get worse, more things keep happening and piling on.

I was hit with Vertigo last week and it was so awful. Doc says its here to stay. Much like kidney stones and pneumonia, once you get it you are prone to get it more often.

Of course the more things that add on and the more stress that is created just ends up making my depression and anxiety go through the roof. I’ve lost so many damn days, moments, memories because of all this shit.

Just go away. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!

I hate my brain. I hate my body. I just want to be well again.