It really is survival of the fittest and I am not fit.
Will there ever come a time when I do more than just survive? I want to live. I seek love and affection but in the same token I push it away.
I also want to rip someones head off at any given second. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m exhausted from all the anger. I’m exhausted from the chornic pain, depression, anxiety, and migraines.
I wasn’t always this person.
I used to be nice, calm, patient, happy, healthy, loving. Then the chronic pain and demons took over. My head is so dark and chaotic that I don’t even remember most days happening at all. I just literally have no recollection of any of the events that transpired.
Does that mean I am actually going crazy?
I’m so afraid that the rest of my life is going to continue this way. I fear that I am always going to be searching for relief from all this shit that has been consuming me.