Thats how it feels.
everything is out of control. My relationship is falling apart.
All my time and energy are on this fucking incident with the kids. He doesnt understand what it did to me. I dont even really understand.
And now I’m right back to being a loser with no job. No matter what I do. He doesnt want me anymore. 😦
I dont want me anymore. I dont like me. Not that I ever really did but now….
Now..I hate me.
I hate this person I have become.
How did we get here? How did it all go to shit?
How did I fuck up again so much?
I know I’m the common denominator. I’ve always been to blame for it all. Nothings changed. I always will be i suspect.
I guess i’ve just always had this vision of, well, not perfect bu perfect for me, for us. But if this is as good as it gets then I dont think Ill survive it.
Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?
I love my therapist and I love that she’s given me lots of tools to use with the kids but I feel like I’m not really getting to the root of the problem. ME!! I guess I’m just now realizing that I’m the problem not the solution. Even though I know that the exes had tons of problems and I’ve always blamed them, I now know I was just as much, if not more, to blame. But why?
What choice led me in that direction all those years ago. And when exactly did my entire life turn to shit?
Even through an awful 1st marriage, I had my oldest son and all was ok with my world. Then my husband turned out to be a crack-cocaine addict and destroyed our marriage and our family.
everything got worse from there. I’m not at all proud of a lot of the choices I made. I just wish I could do over.