my brain hates me

So i quit my job.
and of course now i feel like a loser piece of shit. well more of a loser piece of shit than before. its possible, believe it or not. I didn’t believe it was. hmpfh

I dont feel like the Man is being completely honest with me. Ever!!
He is always so shady about stuff and hes a terrible communicator.

my anxiety is in high gear and nothing, i mean nothing, has helped keep my mind off of anything.

I’ve tried crocheting, my love, and nope nothing. I cant concentrate long enough to get started and even the one time i was able to begin a piece, i quickly realized that I had no desire at all to keep it up. 😦

I’ve tried coloring. I bought some adult coloring books a few months ago and i love to color. But nope, cant do it.

I have  no desire to cook or bake. 😦

I just dont want to exist.
at all. I just wish I could disappear. not that anyone would notice anyway. at least thats how it feels. I know for sure that the Man wouldnt notice. nor would he care.

I find it funny, in an ironic way not in a LOL way, that as bad as things were before I actually find myself wishing they were that way again. that was way better than whats happening now.

I didnt know it was possible to feel even more hopeless and lost.

I cant possibly go on like this. everything hurts. my head, my heart, my body, my soul. its all just one big pile of hurt. everlasting hurt. i just want to curl up in a hole and forget everything. the world, and all the people in it. just forgotten.

I dont understand all this. i’ve been to the dark place plenty. but its never looked like this. its never felt like this.

even the years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship i never felt as low and crushed as i do now. why?
why is that?

i wish.
i wish i wish i wish that i could get my shit together and get out of this fucking endless dark place. theres no rope, theres no foot or hand holds. theres just empty darkness. its cold and unforgiving. every step seems to be in the wrong direction.
everyone else seems so happy and content.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
why?
why cant i be happy and content?
dont i work hard enough to ensure everyone elses happiness? why then cant i find a little of my own?
why then doesnt anyone ever want to help me or work at my happiness?

why doesnt my family, the man and the kids, want me to be happy? or if they do want it why dont they do anything to help make it happen?

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