I cant sleep.
I try and I try but the most I get is an hour or two.
Last night my DD came into the living room, where I sit all night with mindless television on wishing my anxiety would let me sleep, and she curled up on the floor to sleep. She wasn’t even awake. I cant tell if she is afraid and worried or if she is just adding this to her list of attention seeking.
I don’t want her to get the wrong idea and think that trying to recreate this horrible intrusion on our life will be a long term way for her to get attention.
I know that because my anxiety is riding me to not let them out of my sight she is getting more attention. I’m desperately trying to give her good attention unrelated to the incident.
Therapist says I have to come to terms with the whole thing in my own time. Which I understand obviously, I mean duh mental health, its not my first attempt to fix myself.
But I feel like I may do more damage than good. I’ve never been successful in treatment before. Not all of that is entirely my fault, nevertheless, I don’t feel confident that I can get my kids through this. Its like being broken 5 more times. 😦 its awful.
My body is a wreck, my stomach is in constant turmoil, my head is ready to just explode and I wish it would.
Its like I feel all the emotions and heartbreak all over my body not just in my head.
And it sucks.
It sucks awful.