Missing the “old” normal.

Very hard to grasp what I’m feeling today.

I feel almost as if I’m floating around watching my life happen.
I can hear people talk to me. And I can still do things. Its just all in a slow motion kind of way. I am just reacting to what’s happening around me. I feel so disconnected though. I feel so shut down. Like I’ve got nothing left.

My daughter is coming back home today. I’m looking forward to seeing her and knowing that she’s alright. At the same time I feel so much anxiety that they will be under the same roof again.

I think I basically quit my job yesterday.
Not really but we have an understanding that I’m just not able to leave my house yet and he’s gotta cover his business.

I don’t even care.
I’ll get something else when I can handle the situation at home. I have to be here. I have to protect my kids. All of them.

Therapist said its ok for me to “hate what my kid did.” I don’t hate the kid but I hate what the kid did. And it really is true. I feel actual hate for what happened.

I hate what you did.
I hate what you did.
I hate what you did.

I wish that was all it took to feel better. To make it go away.
But it will never go away.

Kind of makes what used to be “crazy normal” look like a vacation.
I kinda just want that back.

~Trying to stay sane~

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