my life is falling apart

Thats how it feels.

everything is out of control. My relationship is falling apart.

All my time and energy are on this fucking incident with the kids. He doesnt understand what it did to me. I dont even really understand.

And now I’m right back to being a loser with no job. No matter what I do. He doesnt want me anymore. 😦

I dont want me anymore. :/ I dont like me. Not that I ever really did but now….

Now..I hate me.

I hate this person I have become.

How did we get here? How did it all go to shit?

How did I fuck up again so much?

I know I’m the common denominator. I’ve always been to blame for it all. Nothings changed. I always will be i suspect.

I guess i’ve just always had this vision of, well, not perfect bu perfect for me, for us. But if this is as good as it gets then I dont think Ill survive it.

Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?

I love my therapist and I love that she’s given me lots of tools to use with the kids but I feel like I’m not really getting to the root of the problem. ME!! I guess I’m just now realizing that I’m the problem not the solution. Even though I know that the exes had tons of problems and I’ve always blamed them, I now know I was just as much, if not more, to blame. But why?

What choice led me in that direction all those years ago. And when exactly did my entire life turn to shit?

Even through an awful 1st marriage, I had my oldest son and all was ok with my world. Then my husband turned out to be a crack-cocaine addict and destroyed our marriage and our family.

everything got worse from there. I’m not at all proud of a lot of the choices I made. I just wish I could do over.

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depressed

Havent written in a few days.

its been a dark lonely few days.

I’m pretty sure the guy has completely given up on me. and it feels as if hes just using me to get through this truck situation. my heart hurts.

the situation with the kids has gotten no better. therapy session tonight with those involved. i’m not ready for that.

Why cant we just erase the memory of bad things?

why cant i just forget what happened and move on?

clearly i’m an asshole now cause I have so much more anxiety because of it.

The One Phrase I Wish We Could Ban From Mom Conversations Scary Mommy

I absolutely love this.
As much as I love hacks as well it doesn’t change the fact that some days I can’t ‘just’ change or do something else.
Just thought I’d share with all you other frazzled moms and dads, single or not.

Good luck to us all. 😉

https://www.scarymommy.com/the-one-phrase-i-wish-we-could-ban-from-mom-conversations/

~Trying to stay sane~

Sleepless in the universe

I cant sleep.
I try and I try but the most I get is an hour or two.
Last night my DD came into the living room, where I sit all night with mindless television on wishing my anxiety would let me sleep, and she curled up on the floor to sleep. She wasn’t even awake. I cant tell if she is afraid and worried or if she is just adding this to her list of attention seeking.
I don’t want her to get the wrong idea and think that trying to recreate this horrible intrusion on our life will be a long term way for her to get attention.
I know that because my anxiety is riding me to not let them out of my sight she is getting more attention. I’m desperately trying to give her good attention unrelated to the incident.

Therapist says I have to come to terms with the whole thing in my own time. Which I understand obviously, I mean duh mental health, its not my first attempt to fix myself.
But I feel like I may do more damage than good. I’ve never been successful in treatment before. Not all of that is entirely my fault, nevertheless, I don’t feel confident that I can get my kids through this. Its like being broken 5 more times. 😦 its awful.

My body is a wreck, my stomach is in constant turmoil, my head is ready to just explode and I wish it would.
Its like I feel all the emotions and heartbreak all over my body not just in my head.

Its painful.
And it sucks.
It sucks awful.

my brain hates me

So i quit my job.
and of course now i feel like a loser piece of shit. well more of a loser piece of shit than before. its possible, believe it or not. I didn’t believe it was. hmpfh

I dont feel like the Man is being completely honest with me. Ever!!
He is always so shady about stuff and hes a terrible communicator.

my anxiety is in high gear and nothing, i mean nothing, has helped keep my mind off of anything.

I’ve tried crocheting, my love, and nope nothing. I cant concentrate long enough to get started and even the one time i was able to begin a piece, i quickly realized that I had no desire at all to keep it up. 😦

I’ve tried coloring. I bought some adult coloring books a few months ago and i love to color. But nope, cant do it.

I have  no desire to cook or bake. 😦

I just dont want to exist.
at all. I just wish I could disappear. not that anyone would notice anyway. at least thats how it feels. I know for sure that the Man wouldnt notice. nor would he care.

I find it funny, in an ironic way not in a LOL way, that as bad as things were before I actually find myself wishing they were that way again. that was way better than whats happening now.

I didnt know it was possible to feel even more hopeless and lost.

I cant possibly go on like this. everything hurts. my head, my heart, my body, my soul. its all just one big pile of hurt. everlasting hurt. i just want to curl up in a hole and forget everything. the world, and all the people in it. just forgotten.

I dont understand all this. i’ve been to the dark place plenty. but its never looked like this. its never felt like this.

even the years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship i never felt as low and crushed as i do now. why?
why is that?

i wish.
i wish i wish i wish that i could get my shit together and get out of this fucking endless dark place. theres no rope, theres no foot or hand holds. theres just empty darkness. its cold and unforgiving. every step seems to be in the wrong direction.
everyone else seems so happy and content.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
why?
why cant i be happy and content?
dont i work hard enough to ensure everyone elses happiness? why then cant i find a little of my own?
why then doesnt anyone ever want to help me or work at my happiness?

why doesnt my family, the man and the kids, want me to be happy? or if they do want it why dont they do anything to help make it happen?

365 Sunrises

As I sit here and watch the sun rise higher
I’m reminded of all the times you said “with the sun shining on my face”.

When the angels gather in the morning to face the sunrise
I wonder if that’s your favorite thing about heaven.

When I replay those words in my head I can see an image of you as the Captain you were.
Watching the sun rise.
Steaming through the open water.
Happy crew with a full catch below decks.
Homeward bound.

Now
Its been a year.
365 sunrises
Since you’ve left.
I sat and watched through the hospital window as the sun rose up on the morning you passed.
It was an honor and blessing to share that sunrise with you.

As it has been over the years, there’s been many family and friend gatherings this year.
As it has been over the years, there was music and singing and laughing.

Now its been a year.
365 sunrises.
There’s an empty place.
You’re not there.
Making music with your guitar.
Singing. Always singing and humming.
You loved to laugh. You loved to make people laugh.

I feel your absence. We all do.
I wish to hear you sing and laugh and play your guitar just one more time.
I wish.
I wish.

365 sunrises.
Its hard to imagine its been that long.
It feels as if it were today.

Love and miss you Doug. ❤

This song says it perfectly.
What Does It Look Like In Heaven

~Trying to stay sane~

Missing the “old” normal.

Very hard to grasp what I’m feeling today.

I feel almost as if I’m floating around watching my life happen.
I can hear people talk to me. And I can still do things. Its just all in a slow motion kind of way. I am just reacting to what’s happening around me. I feel so disconnected though. I feel so shut down. Like I’ve got nothing left.

My daughter is coming back home today. I’m looking forward to seeing her and knowing that she’s alright. At the same time I feel so much anxiety that they will be under the same roof again.

I think I basically quit my job yesterday.
Not really but we have an understanding that I’m just not able to leave my house yet and he’s gotta cover his business.

I don’t even care.
I’ll get something else when I can handle the situation at home. I have to be here. I have to protect my kids. All of them.

Therapist said its ok for me to “hate what my kid did.” I don’t hate the kid but I hate what the kid did. And it really is true. I feel actual hate for what happened.

I hate what you did.
I hate what you did.
I hate what you did.

I wish that was all it took to feel better. To make it go away.
But it will never go away.
Never!

Kind of makes what used to be “crazy normal” look like a vacation.
I kinda just want that back.

~Trying to stay sane~

This place I’m in

This place I’m in.
Its dark.
So very dark.
The thoughts are loud.
So very loud.
These thoughts of hurt.
Of sadness.
Of disappointment.
These thoughts of anger.
Of resentment.
Of fear.
These thoughts of defeat.
Of failure.
Of giving up.
This place I’m in.
Its loud.
Its dark.

~Trying to stay sane~